Shame

     I feel so... Cliche. So stereotypical. Yet again, I'm feeling the emotion that so many teens struggle with, the emotion that I had scoffed at so many times. It's the feeling of not having a place and a spot in society. It's the wondering where we get in. It's the question: "What makes me special and amazing?" And it's the question: "Am I special and amazing?"
     Why am I asking these questions? Why do I doubt my value to society?
     Because I, like so many others, know many people who are great. They aren't that rare. We know people who have accomplished amazing things, and people who have discovered -- for themselves -- great truths of both the past and the present. We know people who know a certain school subject better than the back of their hand, and we have heard of people who have earned millions through their expert management of property and ideas. There are millions of great people out there, all who seem to have found their place in society, and who seem to know just how to succeed.
     And then there is me, along with all of those others who sit and watch, who look on as they astound us again and again with their inherent gifts and talents. We see only their amazing successes and progression which they are accomplishing... and then we turn and look at ourselves.
     Honestly, there is no person better able to see and fully know my mistakes and weaknesses then I am. Who better to know the mistakes of the prisoner, then the prisoner himself? We look at ourselves and see all of our failures, and all of the gifts and talents that we have not been blessed with. We see all of the naive weaknesses that we hide from the rest of the world... And then we are ashamed. Ashamed of what we see ourselves to be, in comparison to with what we see others others to be. How can we possibly fit in with those who are great, knowing our past like we do? So we just sit, smoldering in our failures, becoming stale, and truly becoming that which we view ourselves as: a forever failure.

"We are shaped by our thoughts, we become what we think."

~Buddha 

     Shame. Ugh... it feels just awful. To listen to it is one of the most inhibiting things that I have experienced -- and I have experienced many. Listening to the pain of knowing that you just didn't play up is absolute misery. It leads to the "knowledge" that you have been unable, that you are unable, and that you always will be unable.

     Shame in itself is not an awful thing. When we feel shame we better understand the consequences of what we did. It's listening to it, accepting it as our own voice that creates an absolute monster. When we are under the influence of shame, listening to and obeying its voice, we hide our talents in the ground, and we keep ourselves from reaching our full potential. Shame was the voice I was listening to this morning, yesterday morning... and, quite frankly, for about three months now. 

     The truth is, these people are amazing. They took their talents which they had received and used them to create success and victory. There is no doubt about that. But the lie that I needed to refute was that I cannot do the very same -- succeed. During the time that my friends were writing and directing plays, memorizing the Declaration of Independence, and studying all of the religions deeply and thoroughly to discover that their religion was truly the full and complete one, I was going on a journey myself. I was trapped in a prison that many people cannot break out of for years and years... which many of my ancestors were not able to break out of and died still trapped. For these two years that my friends were accomplishing and succeeding marvelously, I was doing the same, breaking the walls around me, and leading my family to a life free from secrets and ugliness. The greatness of everyone is different -- to try and become the greatness of someone else is to smother your true light and bury your talent... and fail at someone else's success. 

     My greatness is to create beauty, hope, and optimism where there is ugliness, hopelessness, and pessimism. Someone once tried to make myself ugly, and failed miserably. Someone tried to crush my hope, and only made it stronger. Someone put pessimism in front of my eyes, and I pushed it away. I now know without a doubt that, no matter how ugly the circumstances, in time, beauty will preside. No matter how hopeless the circumstance, an answer and escape will come. And no matter how awful the future may be presented, I know that the highest good and glory will be accomplished. I am no more perfect then any of my friends, and I am no worse either. We are all rising, this generation of greatness, and God's will shall be done.

     So don't listen to shame. Take what it can give to you, and then leave. If you'd like to learn more about shame, Brene Brown has an amazing video on Youtube all about it. :) Here is the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psN1DORYYV0

      "We are all wounded. But wounds are necessary for [Christ's] healing light to enter into our beings. Without wounds and failure and frustrations and defeats, there will be no opening for his brilliance to trickle in and invade our lives. Failures in life are courses with very high tuition fees, so I don't cut classes and miss my lessons: on humility, on patience, on hope, on asking others for help,on listening to God, on trying again and again and again." ~ Bo Sanchez, You Have the Power to Create Love: Take Another Step on the Simple Path to Happiness